So the other day, I came across a statistic that interested me quite a bit. I have actually been curious as to what this particular statistic was, so when I just happened to read it I was glad I found it. The divorce rate for families of wounded warriors is about 80%. I have always said that marriage in general is hard, then when you throw in the military/deployments/training it adds to the divorce rate. So before even knowing the stat I knew the divorce rate for those wounded must be higher then that. Nonetheless, I wasn't really expecting it to be that high (maybe more in the 60-70% range). So being the wife of someone wounded in combat, I thought I would weigh in my opinion on this matter.
First of all, let me say that I think it would be interesting to further break this category down. Compare the divorce rates of families whose soldier sustained serious burns or amputations versus other injuries (broken/shattered bones, etc.). But going solely off the general term of "wounded warrior" I think there are a few contributors to the extremely high divorce rates.
I do know that there are the spouses who seemingly were shallow, and at the mention of "ampuation" took off and left their husbands. It is very sad, but it does happen. However, for the vast majority I do not think this can be noted as the primary reason for the rate. I have a hard time even referring to those cases as true marriages. And the reason is, if you are solely with someone for physical reasons, how serious can your love for someone be? So moving on to a few of the big reasons I see causing couples to end in divorce...
The Move: It's true military families are already used to having to move more. But when you move due to an injury it is different. You pack up a few suitcases as full as you can, leave home (your job, your family, friends, and all that you know) and venture into the unknown by yourself. You have no idea what to expect, how long to expect to be there, or anything of that sort. Let me just say, it's scary! Plain and simple. I got a call on Sept. 26th, and I left Oct. 6th with no idea when I would be back. Then in the time my husband was in the hospital I had to move like 3 times to different rooms (due to hotel maintenance), and again when he was discharged to an ADA room. Luckily for us, I had moved home for this deployment. But for many they had to up and leave homes, pets, and bring children along for this huge roller coaster ride. You are in a new place, about to go through major life changes, and your entire support system is far from you. And lets be frank, a bunch of strangers amd mere phone calls from home dont really suffice.
The Finances: Financial issues can be the cause of major issues in any marriage, and we all know that if they are not sorted out it often does lead to divorce. For the wives like myself who worked, when you go from having that second income and then over night it's gone cause you take off to go be by your husband's side, it is a bit of a shock for the bank account. While in the hospital it may not be a huge concern, but once your soldier is discharged you have to start figuring things out. While down at BAMC, we knew so many couples who owned homes, and now needed to find housing in San Antonio but could not possibly afford a mortgage and rent. Then they have to answer the question of do we sell or can we get a renter in? Or even the heart breaking realization that the place you once called home, can never be home again due to amuptations and new physical limitations. Then even when you finally get paid the TSGLI (insurance for loss of limbs, burns, etc) you have to decide as a team how to handle that money. What do you put it towards, how much goes where? Definitely have to make sure you are on the same page, and have a good plan set in motion for your family.
Reacclimation + Injuries: On top of the injuries sustained, you have to remember just like any other soldier coming home from war, they have to reacclimate. But now they have to adapt to a new "normal" at the same time. Most of them have some form of PTSD and TBI, whether it's minor or severe. They are trying to deal and cope, just as the spouse/caretaker is. They can be easily triggered and snap at you. It is a struggle to learn not to snap back. You have to constantly tell yourself it's not really them, it's everything else. But it is hard to think like that, when you are getting yelled at when all you are doing is trying to do is help in any way shape or form. Battling passed that is tough, and you need to talk about it for sure. The TBI can have a whole range of affects. I knew people who had severe TBI, and had behavior similar to that of a child. The social skills just weren't there any more. That would be a struggle for any marriage. To have to take a step back, and work on re training the brain and building it back up while the marriage is sort of put on the back burner in order to do so. In our case, the mild TBI my husband had made him super forgetful and he would lose his train of thought very easily. I would say things numerous times a day for him to remember. Things would happen, and a few seconds later he seriously had no idea. At first I was just like "really?" but then as it continued, I would get more aggravated and frustrated that I was constantly repeating myself or that he would argue with me about things I knew I did or said, or he did or said, and he would tell me I was wrong. Luckily for us, is was very mild and he is a million times better now. The important thing with PTSD and TBI is to get help for it. Don't pretend nothing is wrong, go to the little appointments for it, and it will be that mmuch better.
And in general STRESS, STRESS, STRESS: This word defines your life every day from when you first get that phone call, throughout the duration of rehab and recovery. Being in the hospital is stressful. Surgery days are stressful. Not getting straight answers about things is stressful. Having to re-learn how to walk is stressful. Going from wife to caretaker is stressful. Living in the Fisher House with a bunch of other families is stressful. Everything is stressful! The soldier is going through all these emotions trying to overcome and improve everyday. The caretaker is doing just that, taking care of the soldier. I will be the first to say it can be easy for resentment to build. You leave everything behind to be there for that person, which I would do a million times again. But you put yourself on the back burner. You eat, sleep, breath for the other person. Making sure they are ok, getting what they need when they need it, helping bath them, keeping medications straight. You forget about yourself. Then everything is geared towards the soldier. Now don't misunderstand me, they deserve the world. But I think often the spouses get kinda brushed aside. But if they are not taken care of, how can they take care of someone else. You have got to remember to get away, and do something for you. And do it without feeling guilty. For the longest time I couldn't do that. Heck I would feel guilty even leaving the hospital room when all he was doing was sleeping! But you have to! And if you don't learn how to balance, and cope, and cry when you want to cry or scream when you want to scream, you will end up bitter and resentful.
All these things, and of course others I didn't mention (I could blog for days on this topic!) could easily lead to divorce. I think the key to marriages surviving such tramautic events is communication, understanding, and realization. Communicate with each other about everything. Talk things out, or talk to therapists and social workers when the line of communication between you two isn't working. Understand the other person's side of view. Know what their struggles are, and how they are affected by things. And realize your boundaries. Don't try to to be Mr. Tough soldier all the time, and don't try to be Superhuman Army wife. At the end of the day you are human, and you need help sometimes. It is ok. Take advantage of EVERYTHING offered to you by every organization and volunteer!
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The real act of marriage takes place in the heart. It's a choice you make - not just on your wedding day, but over and over again -- and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife. ♥
