Motherhood and having a newborn has proven to have its challenges. Some of which I expected, others not so much. I also knew I wanted to breastfeed, and I was nervous about it leading up to. Things like getting him to latch, I worried about. Getting a good latch was the least of my struggles in the first weeks...ha! Starting the first week, I got a clogged duct which led to mastitis. On the day my milk came in, my son was very lethargic from jaundice (which after almost a week of him being poked and tested daily, it finally went away) and decided not to nurse for like 6-7 hours! So breast feeding on that side became very painful..to the point I was in tears. Luckily, I got in to my doctor and got antibiotics and after a week or so it was all better. But my dear son wants to nurse constantly. He will go 2 hours in between feedings at times, but no longer. And then the cluster feeding...he usually has 1-2 periods in a day where he cluster feeds and wants to be latched on for hours at a time.
Sleep has definitely been sparse. Since he nurses so often, the longest stretch of time I sleep is 2 hours. And haven't had much luck with him sleeping at night unless I am holding him, so even when I do sleep it's often with the babe in my arms. All these things I think are really a result of his acid reflux, though. The poor thing has it pretty bad, and can tell it hurts him and he struggles with it at times. So he was put on zantac, however I am not convinced it has made it any better. He spits up all the time after being put on the medicine, which makes him want to eat more, and then he gets frustrated from it hurting or that he is still hungry, but eating just leads to more spit up. So we are in this vicious cycle right now, and I can not wait until it passes. I feel so bad for him and hate seeing him in pain or struggling with it, and it is so tiring for him and myself. There are times when it gets bad and I find myself just crying because I want to make everything ok, or make him feel better and I just can't seem to. Which makes me feel like I am failing or coming up short as a mother...and I want nothing more then to give him everything and to be the best mom. I know logically that his acid reflux is out of my control, and that I'm doing everything within my power to control it, but as a mom you can't help but to feel like that at times. So I am hoping the sweet thing out grows it soon, or it at least improves. Thankfully, it hasn't effected his growth though. He measured 7 lbs. 9 ounces (up 2 lbs from birth) at his 1 month checkup, and 21.5 inches long.
Aside from adjusting to being mommy, the whole post partum period of self adjustment is another story. It's funny because while I was pregnant you kind of just think that you will be able to "go back to normal" shortly after birth. Wrong again, ha. First off, pregnancy hormones are nothing compared to the emotional roller coaster that comes in the first weeks after baby comes. Especially that first week. I would cry multiple times a day for the most random reasons, and it was uncontrollable at times. Luckily, I feel like I am (slowly but surely) leveling out in that arena. Then there is the obvious new body issues. We as women always struggle with this. But having your body in a constant state of change for the past 9 months, and then learning to accept this new body that emerges once the baby bump is gone. Your abdomen has stretched and changed and what's left is this odd "looseness"..I of course am chomping at the bits to work out but I currently can't get in enough free time to even consider it. Or simple things, like I thought I would be able to get back into my wardrobe, but turns out only a portion of my closet is nursing friendly. Oh the little things you never think of! I try my best to look put together and to feel pretty, but most days I don't and the times when I do try I feel it goes unnoticed anyways. Not like my little guy can say "He mom, good job doing your hair and makeup today" ha! I know this too is just a phase that will pass, but it doesn't make it less of an adjustment learning your way through all these transitions. Through it all, being a 1st time mommy is so much more then I could have ever imagined or prepared for...but when I look down at my sweet babe it is oh so worth it. And it is so true just how fast time goes by...so as exhausting and stressful these days can be I cherish them so much. I cherish the constant nursing, the sweet snuggles where he only wants to sleep on me, or the quiet moments in the middle of the night where he just looks up and examines me. Because these days won't last long and I remind myself to take it all in...every single tiring roller coaster moment. I know I will look back and miss it one day!
