Late Night Thoughts

So last night as I was laying in bed, I began thinking about our year in The Springs prior to this last deployment.  One specific memory came to mind for some reason.  One night in December (2009), my husband was on CQ with Ochoa and Millet.  I didn't feel like sitting alone at home all night, so I decided to go see them.  We ordered pizza and watched Hangover (my first time seeing it).  I just remeber laughing so hard, especially the part where the cop says "Not you fat Jesus."  It was my first time meeting Ochoa and Millet.  They were both very polite and Millet had us laughing talking about the "blood brothers" part of the movie and how him and his cousins did that once.  Now if someone would have told me that of those three men sitting in front of me, one would lose a leg, one would lose some fingers, and one would never come home...I would have told you you were crazy.  And knowing what I know now, and looking back it breaks my heart to know that is what happened.  People always say you have to live in the moment, cherish the here and now cause you never know what the future holds.  But few people in this world truly understand just how important that is.  It has been 8 months or so since all of this happened. And every time someone see's me they ask how I am.  I find myself saying the same words "I'm fine."  And yes, for the most part I am.  I have learned to deal with things and accept them as they are.  But my heart is still filled with grief everyday.  I still find myself tearing up over simple things.  I feel hurt and anger in my heart about what happened.  And quite frankly some days I want to run to the top of a mountain, scream at the top of my lungs, and then cry until there are no more tears left.  I like to think I have been a good "strong Army wife" and have handled things best I know how.  But sometimes I think I need to allow myself to cry, to be upset, to tell people no I'm not ok.  I have every right to be upset.  Now please don't think that this means I am not grateful that my husband did come home. I know that we are going to be ok, and that life will go on. But that does not change the fact that what has happened this deployment is horrible, and that no one should have to go through the heart ache of missing limbs or losing loved ones.  It's a hard pill to swallow, and though time may ease the pain I don't think it ever completely goes away. 

So with that said, I want everyone to love and live harder.  To cherish every moment you share with your family and friends, no matter how insignificant that moment may seem now.  Watching a movie and eating pizza with a group of friends, dancing to the Cupid Shuffle at a deployment going away party, watching someone walk away from you and studying every inch of that person's being knowing it may never be the same.  And if your heart hurts...ITS OK!  Don't feel bad for your feelings.  Let them out, cause holding it in will only make it last longer and grow deeper into your soul. I have said it once, and I will say it again.  I am honored to know some of the most amazing men in this country.  I love my husband and our friends to the core.  And I hope for many happy, long years for all of us!

♥ We cannot change our memories, but we can change their meaning and the power they have over us. ♥