Christmas 2011

Oh Christmas time.  Well I can say this was not what I had thought my Christmas would be like this year.  I thought my life would be in a completely different place.  And the weeks leading up to Christmas proved to be very difficult for me.  Much harder then I would have anticipated.  While everyone else was decorating, shopping, preparing I felt the loneliness start to close in on me.  I felt bitter going out and seeing everyone buying things for their special someone.  I cried a lot more, felt pity for myself a lot more.  The only time I seem to feel ok is at work, distracted by my kids.  Then I would go home at night, alone. It has definitely been the most trying time in the events of the last few months of my life.

And though I am still struck with these feelings of sadness, loneliness, hurt.  I also feel blessed. I know that  am loved, I am appreciated.  I may not be feeling loved and appreciated by the person I thought I would be, but none the less it's there.  Starting with my loevly families I work with.  I am so truly blessed to be apart of them, and their children's lives.  I know that my work as a teacher does not go unnoticed.  Aside from the gifts, the kind words my families wrote to me on cards meant the world to me.  It gave me a feeling of purpose at this time in my life.  I know that I am an important asset in their children's lives right now, and likewise their children mean so so much to me.  They bring light and laughter and so much love to my life every single day. 

And then there are the amazing ladies I am so lucky to call my friends.  These girls stick by me through so much.  They offer advice, support, comfort, or simply an ear when I feel like nothing else helps but rambling on seemingly endless vents.  They bring me up when I am down.  They are there to make me laugh, and remind me to smile.  They remind me of my worth, that I am a good person and desrve the best.  The reassure me I was a darn good wife, I am a strong person, and I will find hapiness through all of this.  And I look at these women and admire them as well, for they truly are strong and beautiful women all their own!  Many of them have been, or currently are in the place I am in.  They know the hurt, they know the struggles, all the ups and downs that come with this territory.  I feel so alone, afraid, unsure of my future at times but then they are there and I see examples of amazing women who came out of it and are OK!  It gives me courage and strength when I feel like everything around me is crumbling.  It helps me to realize that yes, there are days that are going to plain out suck.  Days that feel unbearable, and days I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs "WHY ME!"  or "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!"  These days are normal, it's ok, but they remind me those days also pass.  A dear friend said to me "Think of all the hard times in the last year that you thought you wouldn't get through it, and you did.  This too you will get through."  I try to remind myself of that everyday.  And that is just one example of the amazing words I receive from my friends that help lift me up when I am down.  And I am just so greatful I have people willing to be there for me through this, and I love these girls and would do anything for them!

Last but not least, my family.  Where I come from,  the people who keep me grounded.  The ones who have been there since day one, 22 years of loving me and supporting me unconditionally.  I many times don't open up to them the way I do to my closest friends about the things I am going through.  Maybe because it's an uncomfortable subject, maybe because I don't want them to worry, or I want to spare them from knowing my pain.  I look at them (whether it be parents or aunts/uncles), and I see the love and the utter concern.  It's a silent look that shows me how much they care, and comforts me without a word.  I know they all would do anything for me, and that I have to do is ask.  It is so reassuring.  I can say I am blessed once again with such a great family.  Such great role models and people to look up to, and to learn from.  To receive advice from.  Tonight at dinner I was talking to an uncle of mine and he said to me "I know that what you are going through isn't easy.  But you will come out of this on top.  And you will learn to walk in faith and your spirit will guide you, you have it in you."  Another uncle simply gave me a deep sincere hug and told me it's going to be ok, and it meant so much.  Because really most days all I need is a hug and for someone to tell me it's ok.  That I am ok.  That I am special.  Going through this, you often find yourself quiestion yourself and who you are when in fact that is the last thing you need to do.  And of cource my parents are always there offering support in so many ways, and though it may not always seem like it I appreciate it always.

So it was a good Christmas.  It was hard, but I also was reminded of those around me who truly care and who make my life so special in so many ways.  And as always, I feel it is so important to recognize our military who are unable to spend this holiday and so many others with their loved ones because they are fighting to protect our freedoms and our way of life.  I have been so lucky to personally know so many of this nation's amazing soldiers who selflessly fight.  Who give up time at home, sacrifice limbs, and some who never made it home for another holiday.  Not a single day goes by I don't think of them, the ones I know and the ones I don't.  And on this day and all others I pray for them.

Love those who love you, hold them close, and cherish them.  I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas and I wish for nothing but great things for myself and for everyone else in the New Year!

♥ Christmas gift suggestions: to your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect. ♥