Betrayal

One word, cuts very deep.  Cuts to the core of a person and cuts them down, eats away at them.  You know when you dedicate your life and every piece of yourself to someone and they betray you, it is not easily forgotten.  But you try for the might of you, because you love and are a good person.  But they keep doing it.  you keep forgiving and trying to move on thinking it won't happen again.  Then a tragedy strikes, and you drop your world to be the rock for someone else.  Every day of your life you spend being that rock and support system, even though you are slowly breaking down from the weight on your shoulders.  But you push through and try harder, and have hopes tomorrow couldn't possibly be any worse.  And then one day you are ok, and think you finally made it and things will be great.  Then slam you are once again reminded how worthless you are to that person, how easily they betray you and not think twice about it.  the extent of that betrayal.  And then you are forced to look yourself in the mirror, through the hurt and the disgust and try to find strength to make your next step.  Where does one go from here, how to put all the tiny shattered pieces back together.  You gave your all to someone, and they gladly took it all.  I am broken...broken from betrayal.

Alive Day

So today, Sept 26th is the 1 year Alive Day for my husband.  But before I get to that let me back up a bit, since I have meaning to blog and havent.  Last week was bit of a long week for me.  I am not exactly sure why, but each day went slow.  By Friday I was at my witt's end.  We were outside playing before lunch, and out of nowhere I began to cry.  By the time lunch had passed and it was time to do diapers before nap time, I was a blubbering mess.  As I am changing diapers my poor kids would just stare up at me crying while trying to carry on a conversation with them as if nothing is happening.  And at the end of each diaper change I would say "Can Ms.Angela please have a hug, I am just having a rough day"  Thank goodness I have awesome kids at work who give awesome hugs!  The remainder of my day was me border line crying with tears permanently pudding in my eyes.  The second I got home it happened.  The inevitably breakdown.  The one I have been putting off.  All my months, and heck even years of hiding my emotions about different things and shoving them into some deep dark corner of my mind came flooding out, suffocating me.  I got home and literally collapsed on to the floor sobbing.  It was like the force of everything in this world that I have let build and weigh on shoulders was holding me down onto the ground.  I couldn't pull myself out of it for the life of me!  So there I was, on my knees on the floor, head down crying uncontrollably.  The most hidious sob I have ever had, tears, slobber, snot and all (Gross I know!)  And as much as I sat there telling myself to "stop" and "get ahold of yourself" I absolutely couldn't.  then I began tossing random things about (a blanket, a clothes hamper) and shouting ( to no one but myself) about all these random things that have been bothering me, or hurt me, or stressed me out.  This episode lasted near an hour.  After it passed I had a few more tears  and it was done.  As horrific as this all sounds, I think it may have been the best thing for me.  It was such a relief.  I could feel all the anxiety, the hurt, the pain, the anger that I have bottled up pour out.  I could feel it lift off of me.  Today as I drove to work, I was ok.  My life is no different then it was on Friday, but it feels so much more manageable.  I am ok.  I don't feel myself constantly trying to hold back tears.  So I recommend a good solid breakdown for everyone every now and again.  To just release it all.

Anyways, today is my husband's Alive Day.  It is so weird to think that a year ago today, it happened.  A year ago today I got that call.  A year ago today my world would change.  I would be introduced to a whole nother world of the military, and the sacrifice that comes along with it.  My eyes have seen so much...things most people will never see in their life.  Through it all I can say one thing, I am a stronger person from it. In every aspect.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but at the same time in ways I am lucky.  So I just want to remind people to count their blessings, live without regrets, and thank those who sacrifice for you ♥

What an Awesome Dog!

So yesterday as I was walking to my car in a parking lot, I look over at a parked car to see this dog in the window.  I about died laughing, it was one of the most awesome things I have seen on a dog!

Since it is the time of year where all the roads are being re-paved, the owner didn't want a bunch a debri flying up in her eyes while going for a car ride.  He said he just slipped them on and she was good to go!  I absolutely loved it.  And turns out she was a Pedigree dog of the month, what a rock star!  Hope this made your day like it made mine :)

♥ Dog is a man's best friend. ♥

Sunday Thought

I had a rather uneventful weekend (aside from having lunch with my amazing friend Megan and watching my Broncos win today!)  So I did a whole lot of browsing on Etsy and playing around on my computer.  I decided I wanted to make a new background for my laptop.  I added my favorite quote to it, so i just wanted to share it you all.  I think it's a great quote and it is something I always try to live my life by.  ♥

Rascal Flatts Concert

This past Saturday I went to the Rascal Flatts concert here in Denver. I have been wanting to go to see them in concert for probably 6 years or so. So when we bought tickets I was absolutely ecstatic! I went with my mom, my friend, and a friend of my mom's. Justin Moore and Sara Evans were the opening acts. It was an amazing concert. And Rascal Flatts music is even better in person! They are so talented and I adore pretty much every single one of their songs. they have so much heart and meaning, and now I just can't stop listening to all my Rascal Flatts music! I am so glad I went and definitely plan to catch them in concert again!

♥ Deep songs don't come from the surface; they come from the deep down. The poetry and the songs that you are suppose to write, I believe are in your heart. ♥

Wake Me Up When September Ends

These words are so true for me.  Today markes the ten year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.  On this day I hope everyone takes a moment to stop.  To stop and remember those whose lives were taken on this day ten years ago.  Stop to acknowledge and thank those who have risked their lives in the two wars since those attacks.  Stop and remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice and never came home from those wars.  Through all this countries differences in points of views, I hope that is one thing we can all never forget to do.

Sepetember also is the month in which our lives changed, when my husband was injured.  We are quickly coming up on the one year mark of his "Alive Day".  It seems as if the second September came around my emtions once again began to rage.  I feel myself becoming emotional and crying very easily.  A few weeks ago someone asked a friend how I was doing.  In their response they said something along the lines of "Well she has been in survival mode for going on a year now, I am sure she is going to have a breakdown soon."  I must say I have to agree with this.  I have battled having a breakdown for so long now, every time I feel like I am on the verge of one I push it away with all my might.  But I think that can only last so long.  And a friend of mine said to me the other day "You know what, just let it happen.  Breakdown.  Don't fight it."  I am growing more weary of fighting it and I have a feeling that it just may happen right around Sept 26th.  I however am no longer afraid of it.  I think I may embrace it in a way, because it will be a huge release of everything I have felt in the last year.  And I know it has to be close based on how "Sappy of a September" I have been having already.  Here are a few examples...

The other day my husband asked me to mail him his Tanker Boots, since he has to wear ACUs again now that the ex fix is off the right leg.  They had been packed away in a box since last August when I packed up our apartment the day after he deployed.  So I pulled them out of the box and set them on the ground.  Then I just sat there and stared at them.  No particular thought went through my head, just a blank stare.  I then began to cry uncontrollably.  I couldn't stop, and that night I cried myself to sleep.  The following morning I woke up, still sad.  As I was driving to work, the song "If I Die Young" came on the radio, and it made me think about someone we knew who was KIA last August at the age of 20.  I then began crying once again and showed up at work with red puffy eyes.  I am sure it being a cloudy and rainy day made it only worse.

Then on Friday morning I woke up with raging migraine.  So I hopped in the shower, and was about to shave my legs.  Well I had a brand new bottle of shaving cream and when I went to push the button down, it shot straight up into my eye!  So there I was soaking wet, jumping out the shower, eye burning and blinded with shaving cream, and a my head pounding!  I finally made it through the shower and was listening to Pandora on my phone as I was getting ready.  Well then "Bless the Broken Road" came on.  This was the last dance at our wedding.  It was the last song I danced with my husband to before he was deployed and injured.  Yes, it made me cry.

So needless to say, I am ready for this month to be over.  It is such an emotional month for me, and I am tired of being the over emotional sap who cries at EVERYTHING!  But perhaps this is what I need, to just let it all out this month.  To face my feelings and all the ups and downs this past year has dealt me.  But until then, this song will be my theme song for the month!




♥  This is the land of the free, only so long as it is the home of the brave ♥

Post 9/11 Military

This morning I stumbled upon this article, and found it rather interesting.  I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share it with my readers.  It is interesting how combat has been changing over the years, and we personally know how the change can affect certain MOS's.  My husband for instance is a 19k (tanker).  He used his tank during the first half of his OIF 08-09 campaign.  But then once they got orders to deploy to Afghanistan the tanks went away and they began combat training without them (thus becoming more of an 11b).  Anyways, here is the link....

"The Post-9/11 Military"