Alive Day

So today, Sept 26th is the 1 year Alive Day for my husband.  But before I get to that let me back up a bit, since I have meaning to blog and havent.  Last week was bit of a long week for me.  I am not exactly sure why, but each day went slow.  By Friday I was at my witt's end.  We were outside playing before lunch, and out of nowhere I began to cry.  By the time lunch had passed and it was time to do diapers before nap time, I was a blubbering mess.  As I am changing diapers my poor kids would just stare up at me crying while trying to carry on a conversation with them as if nothing is happening.  And at the end of each diaper change I would say "Can Ms.Angela please have a hug, I am just having a rough day"  Thank goodness I have awesome kids at work who give awesome hugs!  The remainder of my day was me border line crying with tears permanently pudding in my eyes.  The second I got home it happened.  The inevitably breakdown.  The one I have been putting off.  All my months, and heck even years of hiding my emotions about different things and shoving them into some deep dark corner of my mind came flooding out, suffocating me.  I got home and literally collapsed on to the floor sobbing.  It was like the force of everything in this world that I have let build and weigh on shoulders was holding me down onto the ground.  I couldn't pull myself out of it for the life of me!  So there I was, on my knees on the floor, head down crying uncontrollably.  The most hidious sob I have ever had, tears, slobber, snot and all (Gross I know!)  And as much as I sat there telling myself to "stop" and "get ahold of yourself" I absolutely couldn't.  then I began tossing random things about (a blanket, a clothes hamper) and shouting ( to no one but myself) about all these random things that have been bothering me, or hurt me, or stressed me out.  This episode lasted near an hour.  After it passed I had a few more tears  and it was done.  As horrific as this all sounds, I think it may have been the best thing for me.  It was such a relief.  I could feel all the anxiety, the hurt, the pain, the anger that I have bottled up pour out.  I could feel it lift off of me.  Today as I drove to work, I was ok.  My life is no different then it was on Friday, but it feels so much more manageable.  I am ok.  I don't feel myself constantly trying to hold back tears.  So I recommend a good solid breakdown for everyone every now and again.  To just release it all.

Anyways, today is my husband's Alive Day.  It is so weird to think that a year ago today, it happened.  A year ago today I got that call.  A year ago today my world would change.  I would be introduced to a whole nother world of the military, and the sacrifice that comes along with it.  My eyes have seen so much...things most people will never see in their life.  Through it all I can say one thing, I am a stronger person from it. In every aspect.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but at the same time in ways I am lucky.  So I just want to remind people to count their blessings, live without regrets, and thank those who sacrifice for you ♥