I came across this through one of the blogs I follow, and thought what a great idea. Ever since I began blogging I have wanted to be able to connect with others in the bloggy world in hopes of both sharing my own story and hearing others. So of course I had to jump at this opportunity to connect with other women bloggers! So I am linking with Becky for this Women Connect.
I began blogging just over 2 years ago, in the summer of 2010. I had just had my wedding June 5th, and was getting ready for my husband's upcoming deployment (we had met while he was home on R&R from his first deployment). The blog was going to be a hobby of mine, something to pass the time while hubby was away and after I got home from work (I am a preschool teacher). Plus, I thought it would be fun to connect with friends of mine who had their own blogs. Blogging quickly became a great outlet for me, as I chronicled the lonely and sometimes irrational upsets of being the wife of a soldier away at war. Little did I know blogging would soon become so much more to me.
*Wedding Day*
*Deployment Day*
Seven weeks into the deployment I received a devastating phone call. My husband stepped on an IED while out on a mission. He sustained a below the knee amputation, and severe damage to his other leg. Suddenly, the year I thought would be me spent alone was flipped on its head and I was about to endeavor on a path I could have never imagined. I set off for San Antonio where I would spend the months to follow trying to be the best wife I could and attempting to be the rock that was needed in my marriage. It was a complete shell shock...even thinking back to those days it feels surreal at times. There I was 20 years old, in a city I had never been before, by myself, relying on people I had never met before and facing the reality that war had handed us. I remember seeing him for the first time in that hospital room. The butterflies in my stomach, the knot in my throat and the feeling of not being able to swallow or breath. My heart was racing, I could literally feel my heart beat in my chest! I walked in the room and the flood of emotions over came me. I was happy, sad, relieved and terrified all at the same time. I looked down to see the empty space where part of him used to be, and what seemed like the mangled remains of his other leg. Attached to him where Wound V.A.C.s and nerve blocks...so many wires coming from this way and that. I felt like I was living a nightmare for weeks. Surgery days were difficult, getting his pain under control at times seemed impossible, and for the longest time the idea of ever seeing him walk again or being able to simply stand next to my husband seemed like a far off dream. After complications and two long months as an inpatient in the hospital he was finally released to outpatient care. It was a huge step, a step towards normalcy. I could sleep next to him again, and not spend around 12 hours a day in a hospital room.
*My 21st birthday..Oct 2010*
His rehab began. Both on the amputated leg (the whole process of getting fitted with a prosthetic and learning to use it), and on the salvaged leg. The amputated leg took time...time to shrink down to fit into a socket. Time to get in to have the prosthesis make a leg. Time to get used to walking on it, and dealing with phantom pains. The right leg, though, proved even harder. The leg was broken in the explosion, but also a lot of tissue damage was done. At one point they discussed the possibility of losing it if the tissue didn't stop dying. In a last ditch effort, his leg bones were broken in multiple places and bent in order to pull good tissue around. He was placed in an external fixator which I had to adjust daily, and slowly SO slowly his leg was straightened and healed. As slow as the process was, he did an incredible job and healed FAR ahead of schedule.
*First time walking with prosthetic*
*After mini-triatholon*
A year later he had finished his rehab and was able to return to Fort Carson to do the remainder of his medical board. During the year since his injury I had suppressed a lot of emotions. The entire time I was trying to remain strong and be his support through this life changing event. Thoughts would race through my head at times, and I no longer slept through the night. Some days I felt so sad. Sad that my life was a sequence of never ending doctors appointments, filled with moments of feeling alone. Sad on the days when my husband's pain was too much. Other times I was SO angry. I hated the world some days. I hated other people's good news, "petty" complaints and longed for the days when my only concern was missing my husband. Yet some days I was just extremely grateful. I cherished the simplest of things. The pure joy I got when a doctor's appointment showed bone growth, and of course utter happiness with the first time he stood again, the first time he crutched, the first time he walked, and when he completed a mini-tri. I was filled with happiness and pride in these moments. And many days I felt so humbled to be surrounded by so many American soldiers who had put their lives on the line, and were overcoming the obstacles they had each day. And yet there were the days I felt I was in a fog, just operating much like a robot. Going through the motions and disconnecting from what was happening in our lives. Then, I moved back to CO and about a week before the one year mark of his injury my breakdown happened. There had been times in TX that I cried alone in the bathroom and then wiped my eyes and got on with my day. But this was the "inevitable breakdown" I had been pushing away. I think everything that had happened just hit me at full speed, and tore me down but I welcomed that breakdown, I needed it. I had to release all I had been holding in...the hurt, the sadness, the anger, and the down right self pity. I think in that moment is when I really truly excepted the things that had happened. But at the same time I excepted this reality, my strength to hold things together melted away.
As in all marriages, ours had its share of difficulties and struggles. Those things, in addition to the whirlwind that his injury brought, finally became more then I could bear. I was at this point, where I was facing the hardships of the last year and the things I did to stand by my husband. And meanwhile didn't feel I was getting what I wanted in return. I got to a point where I had no idea what to do, and the desire to try had just left. I was exhausted...exhausted from life and everything that had happened. The weight of it all finally was too much and I caved. I didn't want to face anything anymore...I became so numb. So as much as it pained me, I made the decion to separate from my husband. I am sure I was judged unfairly a million times by those around us for it, but all I can say is what happens inside a marriage is known only by two people. So judged as I may have been, I made the best decision I thought I should. The following months were hard. We were apart, living our own lives. I thought of him daily, but pushed forward focusing on work and surrounding myself with friends. After 8 months we reconciled and decided to make things work, and are moving on. At the end of the day life happens...plain and simple. Not everything is within your control and I have learned that all you can do is your best. I have no doubt made mistakes in my life, but I try everyday to be the best me I can and to give to those I love. The events in my life have undoubtedly defined me and who I am..the things I value, my views and opinions in this world. I am certain that because of these things I am a stronger person, and I can take on the future with confidence in knowing that.
Beyond that I am just a 20 something year old, who enjoys filling my life with laughter. I am opinionated and at times outspoken. I laugh at my own jokes, and often wonder where I come up with the things I say. I can be clumsy at times, and love to dance and just be silly. I know I can't take myself to seriously at times. I have a passion for baking, am fond of wine, and acknowledge I can be a tad OCD. I have been a preschool teacher (on and off) since 2008 and I love it...my children fill my life in so many ways. I hope to continue to share this crazy journey of life and with those who read my blog. And I will always Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow. ♥
